please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
