I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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