I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
