FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
