How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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