While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is it because I queefed?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
