Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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