the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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