I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
