hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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