i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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