I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
