I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he fucked my hip out of place.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
