I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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