he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
