saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
