If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Life is so much better after having sex.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
