I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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