I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
