Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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