I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
