Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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