How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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