There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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