Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
