She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
