I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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