If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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