I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
