I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
