i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
