In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
