you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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