There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
