dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
