I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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