my mouth tastes like poor choices
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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