please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
