my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
