Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
