Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
