dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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