I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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