Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
