im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
