i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
