i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
