That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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