The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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