I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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