the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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