ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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